You are loved. You are protected. You are not alone. These three sentences were repeated throughout the year and a half that I reached out to my spirit guide, John. John first appeared during my first psychic meditation when I could no longer ignore my path toward greater awareness and recognition of my empathic gifts. Dressed in monk garb—a long brown robe tied at the waist with a rope cord and leather sandals—John took both my hands in his and reassured me that I would not have to travel the years ahead of life and death ups and downs on my own. At the end of a year and a half, I asked in utter frustration, “Is that it? Is this all you have to tell me? Isn’t there anything more?”

John responded, “Not until you believe what I’m saying.”

The proverbial lightbulb appeared, and the epiphany was realized in that instant. I knew that I would have to dig deep into the depths of my inner child and reconnect to Patricia No Capicia, a nickname assigned to me by my frustrated and loving aunts. “Felicia No Capicia,” was a popular song of the time, sung by the beloved Italian singer, Louie Prima. Felicia wouldn’t succumb to the requests for physical romance from an enthusiastic suitor. He met her demands of dining and Coney Island dates, but Felicia denied his requests for kisses until they were married. In the last line, the hot pursuit ceases as he proclaims, “no capici!,” which means Felicia doesn’t understand or do what she’s told.” Seems she was right all along about the seriousness of his amorous attempts.

As a young girl, I didn’t care too much about pleasing people and obeying my family elders. Like Felicia, I often wouldn’t listen and do what I was told. I was a child who dared to question double standards, racism, and women’s roles—if only in my head and without a full conscious or intellectual understanding of what exactly these conflicts were with the patriarchy and society. I only knew that they were wrong and unjust. I also questioned the commands I received and dragged my feet instead of succumbing to adult authority. Looking back, and after coming into full acknowledgement of my psychic abilities, I realize I had a powerful insight into people’s oft hidden motivations and emotions. I knew my mother and aunts were unhappy and powerless against the dominant Italian patriarchy. I knew my seemingly selfish choices and obstinate stance of individuality were frowned upon, criticized, and ridiculed, but I didn’t care—until I reached adolescence.

John shared other messages with me, but they fell into the ethers of my subconscious, and I cannot recall all of them now. Initially, I was alarmed about this lack of memory, until I learned that these messages are always there beneath the surface and will resurrect when we need them most. A vital lesson in attaining our highest intuitive empowerment is the realization that we ARE powerful and empowered because we eventually can see, explain, and make sense of the Whys and Hows of our lives. The anxious quest to figure out all of life decreases as the calm knowing emerges, even when a stark or even dangerous event looms. Because we can sense and even see this potential event, the acknowledgement of and faith in our gifts tell us that we are loved, we are protected, and we are not alone.  At the prior moment of my plea to John, the lightbulb appeared, and I finally believed these truths. The world which had been shrinking around me then opened. I was free to get in touch with my former child self and adjust her sails in new and exciting, albeit volatile, waters.

The reasons for my call to spirit for some semblance of understanding occurred after my husband and I moved to live near the sea on Outer Cape Cod. While from time-to-time, I experience some instances of anxiety and have experienced some deep but temporary depression, I’m an optimistic person who believes in the impossible and dares to defy naysayers. I’m a realist also and attempt to balance the foreshadowing of danger ahead with the belief in a bright outcome. I fully understand the necessity of this balancing act and the out-of-balance experiences we sometimes must endure. We moved to the Cape after Paul’s early retirement when his cancer reemerged. I was desperate to escape to the woods and sea, especially because he usually thrives in this natural setting. The getting here, however, wasn’t easy and we were pushed and pulled by new overwhelming emotions in staring down death. Because he is a formidable naysayer whereas I dare to jump consistently into the deep end of the pool, we confronted a show-down of sorts, a definite battle of wills, and a struggle that continued until recently.

I was in a race to save my own life also, thus, the retreat into Nature felt natural and necessary. The pull was strong, and I was resolute in establishing a haven for both of us. Shortly after moving in January of 2017, however, reality hit hard. The Outer Cape was very quiet in winter then. The highways were deserted on darker early evenings. Most restaurants closed and the population dwindled. Suddenly, I harbored an unfamiliar and overwhelming fear. The images and emotions that appeared seemingly out of nowhere were stark and terrifying. Paul would lay dying in winter while a snowstorm prevented my boys or anyone else from being with me while he crossed over. I’d be all alone. I had no idea in which winter this tragedy would occur and chastised myself for being ridiculous. How could I know it’d be winter, etc.? But this powerful premonition could not be denied, and I’d struggle from then until now to rationalize and find a resolution to the powers of life and death.

These simultaneous journeys—life and death—are similar, despite a decision to deny one or the other. Life equals death as death equals life. One cannot exist without the other—a simple truth that a fearless Tricia accepts. This belief did not come easily, but I arrived there quickly once the necessity to survive and thrive was realized. While I do not shy away from philosophical discussions or from confronting opposition to truths and resolutions, honest conversations about our situation, cancer, and life and death were shunned by friends and family. I was surprised by their stance because I thought, “They know me. How can they deny my quest for honesty about dying and death?” Then a friend opened my eyes to the most likely reason. She said, “I suppose in talking about your experience, they think and wonder, ‘This could be me. I could be confronting the same issue.’ And they simply can’t go there.”—yet another lightbulb moment for which I’m grateful.

Running constantly against walls of opposition was daunting, however, and crippled my mind and growth. Where could I turn to seek help in living through aloneness, new surroundings, and oftentimes a cloak of silence? I soon discovered that my literal salvation is the world of spirits and guides, empaths and healers. Within these non-confining spaces, I found and still seek answers to vital questions. Who am I? Where do I go from here? What is my purpose?

My inner child would not obey my husband’s silent obstinance and demand to leave well enough alone. I longed for some answers about my journey and about our journey.  I wanted some semblance of a road map when death encroaches so I could cling to some sense of tranquility amid the heartache. I also arrived “home” again—to embrace Tricia No Capicia and let her know that she always was her own most powerful ally. She’s always carried Athena’s sword of truth and wisdom. She always has been enveloped in the wings of the mighty archangels, and by her side were her beloved ancestors. She is not alone. She is loved. She is protected. I’m grateful you’re here to search for these answers as well, as they pertain to you and your life experiences. I’m honored to share the discoveries that have been revealed to me in this life and death journey. I believe strongly that in helping others, we also help ourselves. I know, as you may know, that our world is awakening to our connections to all things. In reaching out and revealing my past and current struggles and triumphs, I wish you peace and joy in the living, the spirit world, and the healing modalities that best serve you. Thank you for reading and sharing your life with me. See you soon.