I’d forgotten about this photo which was buried in an old folder. This winter road leads to Coast Guard Beach in Eastham on the Outer Cape. This is the first welcoming beach of the long span of beaches that comprise the National Seashore. It’s popular for its easy walk out accessibility via a beach mat for wheelchairs. I love it for walking out to “the spit”–a small body of water that connects Nauset Marsh and the Atlantic; it divides the beach with Nauset Beach to the south and Coast Guard Beach on the north side. It’s not very wide, but wide enough for smaller boats to get through. Piping plovers claim it as their habitat during the nesting season. Narrowing and ever-changing, this expanse provides the ideal setting for introspection, reflection, and compensation.

What is the compensation in this driftwood strewn and shifting sand terrain? I’d list the sacredness of Nature, a peaceful silence, the sounds of birds, seals, gulls, and an occasional fishing vessel are all reminders of life in this beautiful space. I learned a chakra healing meditation several years ago and especially love to meditate on the beach. My inner Tricia NoCapecia appreciated that this chakra cleanse, as I call it, begins at the top with our Soul Star and ends at the Root Chakra–opposite of how chakra meditation is usually taught and intended. But, I love the idea of pulling my spiritual power from Divine sources and melding then into the ground and earth via powerful and empowered me. Sitting cross-legged on the oft solitary beach is a gift I give myself and one that has built my confidence. Initially, I couldn’t describe why I felt buoyed after chakra meditations. I struggled to define the exact emotion and finally settled on feeling more “confident.” Yet, at the time, this word didn’t feel quite correct. I didn’t dwell on my uncertainty and instead embraced my mental and physical energy boost.

According to my yearly numerology reading, now that I’ve begun my #4 neutral year, the “confidence” suddenly makes sense. I love epiphanies for their seemingly unexpected appearances until further reflection showcases the knowledge we’ve held all along but weren’t ready yet to shed a light on our inner wisdom. Reaching this epiphany and state of confidence in myself, my intuition, my guides, angels, and ancestors, my right to demand more of myself and for myself, my energy, my gifts and, most of all, my right to speak and be heard have been monumental in my growth in and acceptance of life and death. I’m not immune to emotions; contrarily, I welcome them in. However, I’m not as terrified or consumed by them. Actually, I am in awe of this inner transformation. Lately, I ponder when exactly this epiphany occurred… was it during the last 6 months… or 8… I can’t remember. And, that’s okay because I’m so grateful that I’ve achieved a newfound level of peace and joy even on the roughest days. I suppose they’re not as rough anymore because I’ve slowed down the second-guessing, worrying, and incessant pondering about “why did he say that?” and “why did she do that?” and picking apart all words and expressions to figure out why and how and what changed?! I don’t have to go down any rabbit holes anymore because I can turn inward and call on my guides, my inner knowing, and come up with the answers, ofttimes on my own. If I cannot, I have friends and healers to help.

On the roughest days when I felt virtually alone, verbally bullied, misunderstood, and ignored, I connected to the scene in this photo. Underneath the dark clouds of cancer, miscommunication, disrespect, and biting off more than I wanted to chew, Tricia NoCapecia really did know deep inside that she’d be able to conjure more of this sunlight raining down on her. Isn’t she deserving? Isn’t the light of hope and healing part of the landscape of life and our birthright? I accepted–for real and not just in words–that life is both darkness and light and the faster we recognize these parts within ourselves, the faster we can get of our own way. It’s okay to be confused or misunderstood or uncertain or stumbling over words. No apologies are necessary in our quest for self-understanding, except for purposely hurting others and relying on violence. But don’t we often tend to demand perfection from ourselves and also mock our perceived weaknesses? Yet, the fact remains that my year of pandemic depression and relationship(s) instability also was a tremendous growth and awareness period. While I’d wondered if I’d survive it, I’m grateful that I did.

Yesterday, when I was reminded of the black cloud that I’d lived under for far too long, I felt some psychic restlessness–not severe–and the black cloud metaphor popped into my head. I wondered if it still hovers above us but chose not to belabor or investigate the gently prodding thought, which is also a gift I give myself–the idea that I can shelve some deep thoughts to another time and place. If we’re not ready to ask a question or hear an answer, we can postpone the discovery for a little while. I find that if I say it out loud–my question(s), my needs and desires–I welcome my belief in the best possible outcome. This practice takes practice and chakra healing meditation is a tremendous help and benefit.

Thus, the photo above is apropos, isn’t it? The idea of a formidable light pouring down beneath dark storm clouds. The land and sea are frigid with snow and winter temps, yet many of us love the snow in photos or on a sun lit day that dazzles fields of white. From inside a safe haven, snow is pretty and intricate and of no danger to our extremities. But we know the dangers of a storm and the frigid snow if we linger too long in this dark vulnerable place. We use our wits, common sense, logic, spiritual wisdom, psychic insight to keep ourselves sane and safe. “All of the above” saved my mental state when no one wanted to discuss emotionally confusing topics with me. I can’t say I blamed them because we all are dealing with a wealth of contrary emotions for all kinds of reasons. In learning to rely on myself to figure out many answers, and with the help of healers, a newfound confidence rose up and poured down upon my battered spirit. These gift arrive just in time when I’m at an extremely low point then make the decision to ask for guidance and help. Like the roller coaster that life is, I held on and endured. I survived and thrived.

While the black cloud is up there somewhere, it isn’t blocking out the light of enjoying an immediate day, time, and place. I’m thankful for all of it–the flowers and the manure, the honey and the sting, the solitude and the joy. I wish you a beautiful day beneath whatever black cloud follows you. Allow yourself to meditate on healing and light tranquility. Allow yourself to ask for help from your angels and guides. Allow yourself to believe that you are deserving. We are so very worth it.