“And one day I understood that it is no one’s job, but mine, to take care of myself and make myself happy.” ~Paula Coelho

Today is Father’s Day and with it comes a multitude of conflicting emotions for many daughters and sons who have been neglected, abused, misunderstood, and who are distant from their fathers. I always was “Daddy’s Little Girl” until I became engaged to my first husband. My father began to treat me differently after that. He became gruff and mocked me more than usual, often undermining my abilities to do anything independently. Of course, I realized how an independent woman is a threat to patriarchal men and goes against the grain of their helpless and hapless female figure. Although, my Dad also respected a feisty woman who spoke her mind. He saw himself in me when I constantly rebelled against the dominant male stance, but he simultaneously sought to reel me in. And so I left the house at 19, after almost enlisting in the Army. Hahaha Yikes, what was I thinking? Imagine me adhering to the rules and regulations of military life! My father definitely knew me better than I knew myself then and he knew I’d despise being told continually what to do. What he really objected to was my independence; after I passed the test, however, I decided not to sign on the dotted line. I moved out of my father’s house instead and got an apartment of my own. My Dad was surprised and presented a few oppositional viewpoints but my mind was made up. Even after moving out of state for three years, I moved in with a friend upon my return.

I grew up somewhat in the move to NoVa but I needed to grow up a lot more upon my return. What truly instigated my growth was being forced to go it alone after a few abandonments by friends. I moved to NoVa with a girlfriend with whom I’d worked at SUNY after she begged me to “come on down!,” but she then proceeded to abandon me on Day #1. Off she went to a company picnic and when I inquired if I could go she responded with a firm “No, I’m bringing my best friend. You’ll have to make your own friends down here as I did.” Alrighty then.

Next up was a close friend who also worked at SUNY who followed me down to NoVa to begin life anew with her new boyfriend. She neglected to tell me about his mental illness and excessive drinking. Well, actually, I did know about a few unfortunate experiences but I quietly slipped those into the back-of-my-mind envelope. I was desperate at the time for a close friend from home and went along happily with the plan. Eventually after a year or so, she moved out with him and her former SIL but only gave me one week’s notice. I was stranded with nowhere to go. Fortunately, I found an apartment quickly since it was the beginning of the month but the experience brought forth familiar and uncomfortable feelings of abandonment and emotional neglect.

Other endings of friendships occurred over the years and I can look back now and realize that these growth cycles were crucial to my true and steadfast independence from other people’s judgments. Instead of feeling solely abandoned and alone, I learned much later that these tough lessons are tantamount to my now current comfort in tackling the toughest parts of life head on. Thus, resentment and sadness have been replaced by trusting in myself and my intuitive abilities to see the metaphorical writing on the wall BEFORE the shit hits the fan! People will abandon us and hurt our feelings but its up to us to decide how far and long we wallow in our personal pain. Growing up also means allowing others to move on and beyond us, wish them well, and to learn from the experience. One of my dearest friends always used to say, “You’re so lucky! You fall down but then always get back up better than ever.” I responded, “ummmmm, I’d rather avoid falling down so much!” And, indeed, I finally have. How this happened is tied to the above Paula Coelho quote which emphasizes the need to take responsibility for our happiness and our setbacks. Self-flagellation is not the answer. Acceptance of the mistakes we make, self-forgiveness, a dedication to improving and doing better next time all help us heal and step off the loop of self-pity. God knows I hung onto that hamster wheel for too much of my life.

Retrospection helps if we’re honest with ourselves–our responsibilities, our mistakes, our fears, our obsessions, etc. Sometimes tackling the toughest parts of life head on means becoming still, focusing on meditation, listening deeply to our subconscious knowing, hearing important messages from our angels and guides, and being comforted by ourselves and for ourselves.. I feel that I’ve been walking this road my entire life and I’ve arrived finally at more understanding of my place and purpose in the world. Its okay if some people don’t like me, don’t understand me, or bristle around my “huge energy.” It’s okay. I know who I am now better than I ever did before.

Knowing the strength of our empathic and psychic abilities helps us to view more objectively the hurts that are flung at us… and the hurts that we create. “Why did she do that hurtful thing to me?” becomes replaced by “I hope she finds peace but I cannot be diminished by her attempt to hurt me.” Trust this takes a lot of practice and, more so, a turning point, wherein we determine that our peace and happiness supersedes the fallout from walking away from an endless dispute. When we can rely on our intuitive sense and guides/angels to help us see the forest through the trees, we then become more confident in determining ahead of time what’s real, what’s fake, what’s harmful, and what’s helpful. Thus, we realize some tough decisions need to be made for our safest and joyful place in our life.

Taking care of ourselves–first and foremost–doesn’t mean that we forego all help from others. Instead, we can sense whether or not the help offered is genuine and without a hurtful intention. We can meditate quietly on what our next move may be or what options are available. There is a wealth of inner and guided wisdom available to us if we believe in our self-worth to find the answers. There’s nothing wrong in reaching out to others, as long as we know that we are depending on the right people who indeed want to help and not to dominate our life and choices. The right people don’t hinder our quest or lay judgment and ridicule at our feet while “helping.” The right people can point out our misjudgments, our prejudices, and any other ill-advised views without stomping on our self-esteem. And, we can do the same for others. Admonishment can be quiet and kind. Correction can be loud and encouraging. If both are said with love and understanding, then a win-win can occur and growth becomes the greatest gift to each other.

We certainly cannot control our relationships with our fathers, our friends, or anyone really. Every person is responsible for their responses and actions, apologies and obstinate silences, truths and lies. All we can do is to focus on our personal betterment, release the anger and resentment, embrace the unknown, and trust that we’re able to be guided toward our best and joyful life. Even when life sucks tremendously and we’re steeped in grief and worry, we can find joy in the smallest gifts life bestows upon us… hope, rain, sun, flowers, laughing children, dearest friends, life lessons, and peace within our hearts because we’ve said yes to growth and bolstering our self-esteem. We truly need just ourselves and our inner guidance system to deliver the peace we crave. Blessings to you on this day. Thank you for stopping by. Namaste.