The train has left the station and I’m not on it. I wasn’t strong enough to defy my father and let him know that I’d planned to head across the country to sunny California with two girlfriends. This rebellious adventure was to occur a couple of years after high school graduation. Daunted by a vast reserve of cowardice, I didn’t let my friends know until the last minute that I was too frozen in fear to go. Off they boldly went, no jobs or a place to stay. The year was 1977 and the world was different, albeit still with controversies between the staunch establishment and free-spirited youth. I stayed behind and proceeded to fall and get back up… too many times to count. Too often, I wondered what my life would look like if I’d left everything behind and started over… the proverbial rebellious and adventurous wish.

I realized in my 30s that I wasn’t prepared to be on my own yrs earlier, living across the country. Or so I thought. What did I know of my capabilities then? I really had no idea. Looking back on how much I’ve had to rebuild my life over the years, I imagine I could have made it work. I’ll never know and I’m okay with that now. I’d never deny my sons’ existence or cherished close friendships. I even am grateful for the harshest lessons and tests that sometimes brought me down to my lowest level.

Ultimately, I accept everything I’ve done right and wrong in my life. I know now that I ignored my strong intuitive sense and allowed myself to be led by others who I wanted to impress or to love me. Does it matter at what age we learn to love ourselves more than others? Obviously, loving ourselves in a callous selfish way isn’t the answer, but loving ourselves in a forgiving nurturing way promotes growth and healing. Then, we have the best chance at peace and happiness. Even while the world’s and country’s upheaval threatens to undermine any firm ground on which we stand, gratitude for all of it because of the sum of all our life experiences is what keeps me less worried, less frantic, and less regretful. I’m grateful I’ve arrived at this self-loving destination later than never.

Embracing my psychic intuition is my saving grace because I can choose to lean on guardians and spirit guides to protect and lead me down the best path. Surely, sometimes we ignore the very loud signs and messages because our egos get in the way. But I find that I’ve grown exponentially stronger in deciphering what’s best for me and being content if what I get is less than what someone else reaps from any bounty. I choose to remove myself from these contests which lead me nowhere except to feel bad about myself and my life.

I am grateful every day for every little or big event and I thank my guides every day.  A few years ago, I heard St. Michael say to me as I got into my car, “say thank you for being safe.” From them on, every time I get into my car, I say, “Thank You, St. Michael, for keeping me safe in the car.” Sometimes, I forget and say it while driving. I wonder if it’s silly to believe I need to repeat this claim but figure that it’s more to do with strengthening my belief system than in making sure the protection happens. My proclamation does not increase fear or worry; it actually decreases negativity because my intuitive sense knows that I’ll be okay, even if something does go “wrong.” Subsequently, I often ask for protection of people I’m concerned about, whether I know them personally or not. Because putting out good positive energy of love and compassion is far superior to spouting constant fear and worry. Try it! It’s amazing how I’ve come into myself—meaning I can trust that I am protected. I am loved. I am not alone. This level of self-love and confidence at age 66 feels wonderful. I could lament that it took me this long to reach this place of inner peace despite the outer turmoil, but I begrudge nothing that has brought me here to this time and place.

Life is falling and getting back up. It’s crying into a pillow and screaming in a shower with feelings of despair and loneliness. These trials and tribulations molded, shaped, and framed this place of near serenity. I feel quite detached from the past now because each day I get to live again is a new experience of growth and inner knowing. Sometimes I wonder if I’m fooling myself. Do I truly not care to be a widow living alone? Will I really be brave and travel by myself? Will I be able to make new friends and create new hopes and dreams?

Ultimately, I push the worry and studies about loneliness aside. A friend used to say that she likes when “life happens organically.” I had no idea at the time WTH she meant. But now I get it. If we stop trying to push, mold, shape, and predict every event or day, we can let light, trust, and love establish the best connections and serendipities. I know that perhaps this sounds hypocritical for a psychic or intuitive to say. But it’s true. Believing that I WILL receive the messages, the inner warnings, and the protection in the big world releases the need to know every outcome. We gain more trust in ourselves and our gifts. Sure, sometimes we get it wrong and certainly every prediction doesn’t come to pass. But knowing that we have angels and spirit guides to lean on eases the burden of some sudden shocks and surprises. Because those still will happen. I find that it’s vital to enjoy our life and our relationships, our hobbies and serenities, and feel hope for the future. Life should be lived and not feared. Our psychic knowing is then a gift.

Thank you for reading and please allow yourself to intuit all that’s good and loving in the world because there is a lot of it to embrace.