Sometimes I wonder how I arrived in this place of acceptance and self-ownership so late in life. Besides feeling tremendous gratitude for landing on more solid ground, I realized the futility in beating myself up for the wouldas, couldas, shouldas that plague our lives, and which instill self-doubt, lack of fortitude, a denial of our resilience, and chaos that can be bred from hardship and trauma. How on earth did I get to the other side? Was there one specific incident that propelled me toward greater awareness of my individual strengths, universal protections, and psychic abilities? If I think about the literature lessons about epiphanies that I shared with my students, I can arrive at the conclusion that the epiphanies I’ve experienced are wonderful gifts bestowed upon me by our angels and guides. These metaphorical knocks upside the head shake us up, wake us up, and smarten us up. They sting, they hurt, they make us cry and wonder why, but the knowledge we receive is powerful and empowering enlightenment for which I’m very grateful.

I walk with a kind of limp for lack of a more distinct description; sometimes it’s more apparent when I’m cold, nervous, or tired. I tend to walk toes first with my right foot because of an early ailment that was corrected via surgery when I was eight. However, lack of diligent exercises caused a weakness. Subsequently, I was mocked lightly by one guy in high school. Mainly, people always stared at my feet while I walked down hallways. After school one day, I asked my mother directly, “Do I walk funny? People stare my feet when I walk.” She couldn’t meet my eyes, looked down at the floor and said softly, “No.” Her lie was obvious, as was her betrayal in not telling her daughter the truth. Without going into that long history of emotional abandonment, suffice it to say I wasn’t surprised. Her response was confirmation and while I wasn’t crushed, for the longest time, I couldn’t walk past a crowd alone. In a group or at least with one other person, perhaps observers wouldn’t notice my distinct walk and stare at my feet.

I’ve always known when people weren’t telling me the truth. I’ve always known who doesn’t like me behind their seemingly friendly smile, just as I’ve felt someone’s profound interest and joy in being around me. I’ve been a catalyst for the intimidated to try and poke my inner bear. After talking with some fellow psychics and thinking about these common dilemmas, I realized how I had to assume my power and empowerment in dealing with the people who are prone to challenge me in hurtful ways. Firstly, I couldn’t wrap my head around the idea that someone who is intimidated by my “huge energy and aura” will choose this direction. Regardless of how friendly and quiet I can be, some people want to find my buttons to push, mock something I say, or merely scowl at and ignore me. When I/we realize that these behaviors are in response to my/our power and ability to see their truths, then I know that I’m/we’re on an empowering path that, sadly, leaves some behind but also allows an attraction to many good people.

I accept that I didn’t win in the lottery of unconditional loving mothers. Fortunately, I’m over it finally. I am a big winner in the most wonderful and best way because I chose to be the best supportive and unconditionally loving mom to my two boys. We share a close relationship and communication and they’re best friends for which I am forever grateful. I may not have had a loving mother to attend to my needs, but I gained a vital perspective about what matters in parent-child relationships. My sons are very good people and my greatest source of pride and joy. The stark contrast between these relationships is the crux of what life is. I’m winning in the son department and losing in the mother department. I accept this fate for this reason and express gratitude for all that’s good and positive and loving in my life.

Five months after marrying for the second time, my husband was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer. He’s still here fourteen years later and I’ve had many tough lessons in living and dying, gratitude and despair, fear and fearlessness. Fourteen years later, I am the person who I’m meant to be, and I’m still growing. I no longer fear being alone. I don’t pretend I can know everything about the future. I trust that I’m worthy of goodness and grace. I know that I’m protected by my guides, angels, and psychic gifts. I know that I am strong and resilient and have avenues of help when needed. When relationships die, we can bombard ourselves with self-persecution and believe that life is truly over. Or we can recognize that we’re climbing another rung on the ladder of life. Whether we’re ascending or descending is our choice. Sometimes, like the cha-cha, we take a few steps down and a few steps up and seemingly end up in the same place. Sometimes this is necessary… a pause or hesitation to catch our breath, look around, look within, and assess. Make a list… what I don’t want, what I do want, how can I help myself to be more self-reliant and self-accepting? Sometimes, we need to rely on others less, or more… it all depends on the shape we’re in. Initial honest assessment is essential to growth. Asking our guides and angels for messages via meditation is very helpful. Sometimes the answers aren’t complete. This is okay because it’s the impetus for us to seek that knowledge for ourselves. Loving guides are not out to hurt us. However, some truths are very painful.

Years ago, my first husband and I were down to one car. Money was tight and I had found a parttime job in the evenings. He commuted so I asked my mother if she could help watch my first-born. They doted on and adored him and all of their grandchildren. Once again, my mother looked toward the floor and asked, “How are you going to work and keep your house clean at the same time?” Needless to say, I was flabbergasted, although not shocked. I picked up my son and left without a word. It was raining hard, and I cried on the way to pick up my husband. The next day I called a very dear aunt and she responded, “Tricia, you have to accept the fact that your mother isn’t going to be there for you.’ BAM! There it was… the stark truth of my relationship with my mother–a profound epiphany. I knew then that I was restricted in enjoying Mom outings with my friends because I had no one to watch my son. I was limited in my freedom which is really what she always aspired to throughout my life. Thus, I accepted my fate and made the necessary adjustments. In a real way, there was relief in knowing the truth outright. Because in the loss of this primary and vital connection with my mother, I also won my self-determination, self-identity, and heightened self-esteem. I didn’t feel unlovable because I have people who truly love me. Instead, I felt liberated from the chains of constant conflict and need for something that was never going to be available.

I have learned to embrace the painful epiphanies as growth steps on the ladder rungs. Each one brings me to heightened awareness and self-acceptance and love. We hear these adages all our lives… Marlo Thomas’ writing about self-acceptance, “I’m Okay, You’re Okay,” and “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” on the stereo. Most meaningful to me in my adult maturing life are Maya Angelou’s wise words, “You are only free when you realize when you belong no place–you belong every place–no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great.” And this mindset is where I find myself currently. I am free because I can choose not to be hurt by others. I can be relieved that I can reach proactive resolutions on my own. I can belong in a room in which I know no one. I am part of the universe when I meditate alone in my room. I am a vital aspect of my world. I impact strangers without my immediate knowledge. I leave lasting impressions on some people simply by smiling at them. My huge powerful energy is actually a force for good, regardless of how someone in passing perceives me differently. I’m not responsible for their inability to connect with me or others. I only can tell my truths, live my joys, express my sadness, empathize with others, and send light to people who suffer.

I wish you a day and week and life of increased self-knowledge and peace of mind. Thank you for stopping by.